There are always moments in life when we miss the chance to say the words that we want to say. I don’t want things to end with you in silence. I want to thank you.
It was a year ago that I first read the story of your life.
I have loved you every day since then.
I was filled with doubt when I began to pull back the shadows of your life. There was so little that I knew, yet I kept pulling – and pulling. I wanted to know everything about you.
You were intriguing to me; as if you were a continuous riddle with no end in sight.
As the answers began to be revealed, I felt as if I could relate to you.
I hated myself for a long time.
And when I stopped hating myself, others did the hating for me.
I never began to consider that there would be someone who could experience the same things as I had. At one point, I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror. If I were to have met my gaze, I would have asked the same question you asked Reina once.
“If you do that, can you live with yourself?”
There were so many things that I did that if I would have asked that, I would have frozen in pathetic fear of the consequences from myself. As I carried on with your story, I couldn't help but wallow in the realizations that came to me.
I was a coward, Ayu. While you were able to neatly bundle your pain into compartments and not let them affect you; I had knotted my pain into a giant, ever present ball that forced against the closet doors of my mind. I knew that the doors were breaking, yet I never wanted to have the courage to face the pain that rested behind them.
Until I met you.
Even as tears came in abundance, I never stopped following your story. I began to look up to you. And because I could look up to you, I wanted you to have the ending that I never had.
You had the strength that I never had. You accepted this idea of yourself that you were filthy, unlovable, and unimportant. Yet you kept on living.
There was so much that I wanted to tell you. I wanted to grasp your hand and tell you that everything was okay. You deserved so much more than what the world gave you.
And when you died, I felt like I had died with you.
I wanted a different ending for you, Ayu. I wanted Yoshiyuki to stand up to his father and be able to protect you. I wanted you to realize that you aren't filthy like you thought you were. And I wanted to see you smile again, just like when you went to see the sky in Okinawa.
But that was just a silly dream, wasn't it?
You’re probably shaking your head right now as Pao nips at your fingers. Nothing could have changed to make it better. You were going to die. Your body was shutting down from AIDs while your soul was crippled from being separated from Yoshiyuki.
Are you happy now?
Out of anyone, you deserve to be happy. But you won’t be happy until Yoshiyuki lets go of you, won’t you? You want him to move on with his life, now that he won’t waste away from his weak heart. He will never let go of you. His heart beats for you, Ayu. The two of you were soul mates, linked together with a single loop of red thread about your pinkies.
One day he will be with you, Ayu.
And I will not.
I feel selfish, Ayu. You have given me so much by living the way you did. I am sorry that you had to suffer, Ayu. Please, please Ayu let Yoshiyuki love you. Let him in again. Don't force him away. You deserve his love.
And Ayu –
I am sorry that while I lived, you were suffering. I am sorry that I spent years tearing away at my life with things that held no meaning. I made a mockery out of life, taking it as a joke lacking a punch line. I should have chased the things that mattered; that made me feel alive instead of secluding myself in a spider web of pain.
Without you, I would never have broken through the intricate weave. Without you, I would never have had the strength to do it. Without you, I would be lost once more. Because of you, I feel free.
I love you, Ayu.
And I will never stop.